I struggled a bit to prepare a homily for my friend David’s memorial service, which was held this past weekend. He was a complicated man. His intellectual prowess was extraordinary, but it also contributed to a fatal arrogance that led him to believe that he could outwit the reality of his addictive illness. He couldn’t, and didn’t. I talked about that in my remarks, as did the others who lovingly remembered him. We were sad to lose him – and angry that he wouldn’t follow up on all of our efforts to coax him to health.
As I sorted through the sadness and anger over losing my good friend, I was filled with gratitude for the remarkable gift of hospitality that David brought to his friends and community. His home became a community center as he hosted parties, salons, and community gatherings. He welcomed his many guests with an open heart. He wanted to bring out the best in people. He thrilled in developing new relationships, and was most excited when he introduced people to each other.
David tried to greet people with an open mind, which was harder to do — especially with the two of us — given that we were on opposite sides of the political spectrum. Whenever we got together, we followed a ritual: we began by expressing our affection for each other, and then – for a prescribed length of time, we would go at it – disagreeing about most everything except perhaps for a motion to adjourn. We were civil in our disagreements, and passionate in our arguments. We listened to each other – or at least tried to, but when we were done with the debate and disagreement, we verbally reminded ourselves that we loved each other. That our friendship was far more important than our different political perspectives.
David introduced me to a deeper understanding of and a greater appreciation for hospitality. This hospitality goes beyond being gracious and polite, which are important to be sure – to an embrace of the other in the fullness of their humanity. David demonstrated that again and again. His form of hospitality went broader and extended much wider than what is offered by the “hospitality” industry. I hope that his example rubbed off on me.
And I pray that through the mystery of life and death David’s gift for hospitality would have some effect on the American culture. Hospitality seems to be under threat. The value of this deep hospitality – which moves beyond the etiquette of the ego to the work of the soul, is being pummeled to death on a daily basis. Ideas – and even people –are not just being made to feel unwelcomed, but in more cases that we can count are being banished altogether.
Hospitality doesn’t mean that everyone who wants to come to this country should be let in. Hospitality doesn’t mean that every idea, policy or platform needs to be accepted. But hospitality does mean that everyone’s humanity needs to be acknowledged and honored. And increasingly that is not happening.
Jesus fought for hospitality. And he fought those who refused to provide it: “But whenever you enter a town and they do not welcome you, go out into its streets and say, Even the dust of your town that clings to our feet, we wipe off in protest against you.” (Luke 10 10-11) For Jesus, offering hospitality was a non-negotiable demand.
I have another friend, Mac, who died unexpectedly a little over two years ago. He was a college classmate, teammate and roommate. A terrific friend and a brilliant vascular surgeon. During his surgical residency he told me that he no longer dealt with people, but with problems, which he spent his time trying to solve.That saddened me, because Mac had an open heart in addition to having a brilliant mind; and yet I understood his need to master the technical dimensions of his craft. Yet when he completed his residency and eventually became chair of a department of surgery, his focus flipped. He now began with his patients as people, and then addressed their problems. Hospitality took over. His consummate skill as a surgeon was certainly important, but not as valuable as his compassion for his patients. For me, Mac was a doctor of hospitality.
When we deal with people as problems, we create a distance between one another, which can lead to fear, prejudice and cruelty. We also become disengaged from our souls. Providing hospitality – even when we don’t want to offer it – can be a corrective to reducing people to problem status. David and Mac were great guides for me.Their legacy continues. May they rest in peace.
